Elections are back! For a mutt, this is bad news. Let me explain why. According to the great poet, Aristotle, man is a political animal. By nature. This is double bad news for us. I’m not sure if Aristotle knew what he was talking about then, but this quote of his now brings out the most vicious animal in our humans politicians every 5 years – for the elections. It is during the elections, we dogs are hit the worst, not physically but verbally. This is to be expected since many of the 2 legged Malaysian politicians are full of animal instinct. So animalistic it makes us want to growl at you. For politicians, it is only usual during this fight for power to use us dogs as example to describe another human. Most of the time, the other human is a candidate of the opposition, and/or his cronies.
So taking into consideration all the verbal abuse we mutts suffer during the voting time, I decided to call for a meeting to set some of the canine-affecting political factors clear. If at all any time was a good time to call for a meet, its now, with the election stinking around the corner like our good ol garbage truck ( I say garbage truck because even we mongrels know that it will not be a fair election and this year’s particular fight for power will stink to high heavens and back). Not to mention the empty promises hurled into the masses to gain votes smells so foul, just like my ex girlfriend’s vomit. She had a drinking problem I endured longer than I liked.
We mongrels support each other in verbal abuse at times like this. Unlike some politicians, whom I suspect gave up good governance the day Jackson 5 called it a day, we on the other hand have lesser demands, but we certainly don’t want to be blown up into smithereens for it.
Here we demand not to be mentioned verbally like these:
(a) “Dog eat dog world.” Let me assure you that this is utter hogwash. This theory simply does not exist. Have you ever seen a dog eating another dog? Or heard of caninebalism? Dogs don’t eat dogs and very seldom we kill our own kind. However, I’ve heard of humans eating other humans! Often with some kicap. By right, the phrase should read: “disgusting human eat disgusting human in disgusting world.”
(b) “Work like a dog.” Rubbish. I would like to stress strongly here that we dogs all over the world do not believe in this concept. Why should we when we have far more important things to do than spend our lives working, pulling others down, all the while realistically achieving little? If humans spent more time frolicking, rolling on the grass, and smelling each other’s bottoms, the world would be a safer place. The phrase should read, “slave like a man.”
(c) “It’s a dog’s life.” I think I speak for the dogkind all over the world when I say we have great lives, thank you. Correctly, it should be, “It’s a man’s pathetic life”
To hear dogs being linked and likened to politicians is disturbing. Instead of dragging our names down to the level of politics, why don’t you highlight in your speeches our faithfulness, our loyal and fun loving nature? Someone also told me once that in certain circles, cheering for the underdog is one sure fire way to ingratiate yourself to the best people.
Politics in Malaysia can be hilarious especially during the voting season. Unlike the breeding season of artic wolves, there are no teeth baring growls or marking of territories on trees, but one can see silly childish stunts such as name calling, dagger kissing and remarks of ones menstrual cycles.
For the past 50 years, I’d say Malaysia has managed to skip and trot on a moderate course. Yet our politicians shape the politics with ideas that seem to originate from the extremities of one’s rear. Some even unite and bond in questionably weird way. What unites these rodents in such unlikely harmony? Is it because they profess their love for the oldest rain forest of the world, but gladly raze acres and acres of wood? Or maybe build palace like mansions that can house the whole population of Timbuktu? Why do we call them members of parliament, expecting them to be duty bound to protect the very people they represent, instead they are happy lining their pockets? Or how about those who accept bribe and lie and steal so they can fuel their jets and yachts? Disguising their greed with a coating of verbal candy, so sickeningly sweet, it gives you pancreatic failure immediately!
The task to elect a good government has now befallen on your shoulders. To elect a good government, you need to learn how the institution of power works. Be well informed. Know your rights and vote smart. This is your chance to change what you don’t like about this country, so use the opportunity given wisely.
I hope I don’t sound like a foaming-at-the-mouth rabid canine. I know all Malaysians want a good governing government, but in this respect, I guess you’d have better luck finding a leprechaun.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Yuletide Greetings from Valentino
Missed me?? I know I was supposed to send in a column 2 weeks ago (in doggie time that is 21 weeks) but unfortunately my commitments kept me away. You see, I was busy trying to e bay a leash for my human person. We dogs are smart to mislead humans into thinking that the leash is actually for us dogs. But then again, being mislead is a common human behavioral trait and sometimes, it’s so easy to manipulate humans. I don’t mean you, dear editor. I like you, and because I do, I thought I’d quickly find time between my busy schedule of chasing after my own tail, itching and scratching to write this article. I must admit I suffered some degree of canine laziness during the holidays. I blame it all on the Christmas chicken and beer. Speaking of Yuletide, I wrote a letter to Santa. Be not surprised. Here’s it is.
Dear Santa,
“I am writing to ask for a huge favor. Since you’re famous and know a lot of people, (yes, I saw you on TV) I’m hoping you can help me pass the word around. I know I chased you down the road last year when you came by my house, and maybe that wasn’t very nice of me. But what’s a mutt to do when he sees a “large man in a funny red suit” walking around with a huge sack of goodies, shouting HO HO HO? I smelled chocolates, and I lost my mind. Plus the hysterical HO HO HO laugh was too much and reminded me of a certain lady singing if we thought she was a HO. But Santa, if you agree to help me on this, I give you my bark that I shall not chase or try to nip your ankles this year and as far as barks go, this is one good bark. I know you’re a nice man and you understand because you take good care of your reindeers. By the way, do your reindeers follow you on all your assignments? I heard there are 7 of them. It would be fun chasing the.. OK OK I’m sorry but just help me out here will ya?”
“The other day, I went for my regular pedicure and my vet was chatting to me about how he has been taking care of this stray mother dog with her 6 pups. Santa, let me tell you a lil bit about stray animal welfare and the authorities in Malaysia. Drumroll…. There is no welfare! You remember the witch hunt? That’s just the small example of what and how things revolving stray animal issues dealt with in Malaysia. Strays in this country looks terrible with 80% of their bones showing. Any more bones, we’d be chasing each other!”
So anyway, doc is telling me about the mother dog and she just sounded familiar. I asked him her name and lo behold, it was Lola, my lady friend from the squatter. Last I heard, she was hot and being pursued by Ring0 (pronounced ring – o, a nick name he got when he lost all the hair on his rear due to a bad case of ring worms). Apparently she ended up on the street when her family relocated to an apartment and had to leave her behind to fend for herself. Now Lola is not angry at her streety situation, considering the predicaments some of the other dogs are in with no shelter, no food, no water, hit and runs and not forgetting how some people stone them stray dogs as though they were immortal witch dogs from the 18th century. While I on the other hand would love to bring back one or two of her puppies to come live with us, my human mistress and I live in a room, and it just won’t be fair for Lola’s puppies to be crammed up with us. So once the doc was finished with my paws, I hopped down to the kennels to see Lola. Man, she’s a beauty. Did I mention she’s of mixed parentage? She’s English and a terrier. That’s equivalent to a hot blonds for human males. But I’d really like to help Lola, blond or no blond. She told me Ring0 was taken away by the men in the van, and she was left all alone and pregnant. Then she had her babies on the street, someone felt pity and sent her to Doc. She and her pups have been there ever since.
“So Santa, after the chat I had with Lola, and seeing you on TV, I decided to write to you. If anyone can help Lola, it has to be you. Hey I mean it. Trust me; this has nothing to do with chasing venison. It’s only fair that Lola’s pups deserve a loving home. They would probably do best in a house with no pets. Homes with children are recommended, there’s just so much food on the floor and one has to do his or her share of “cleaning up”. So here’s what I hope you can do. It would be great if you can pass the word around. If Lola and her pups find loving homes, it would be the best Christmas gift I could ever get. I’d even give up my milk bone.”
Love
Valentino
P/s – Santa hasn’t replied. My human person told me our postal system can be slower than a snail moving cautiously on razor’s edge.
Dear Santa,
“I am writing to ask for a huge favor. Since you’re famous and know a lot of people, (yes, I saw you on TV) I’m hoping you can help me pass the word around. I know I chased you down the road last year when you came by my house, and maybe that wasn’t very nice of me. But what’s a mutt to do when he sees a “large man in a funny red suit” walking around with a huge sack of goodies, shouting HO HO HO? I smelled chocolates, and I lost my mind. Plus the hysterical HO HO HO laugh was too much and reminded me of a certain lady singing if we thought she was a HO. But Santa, if you agree to help me on this, I give you my bark that I shall not chase or try to nip your ankles this year and as far as barks go, this is one good bark. I know you’re a nice man and you understand because you take good care of your reindeers. By the way, do your reindeers follow you on all your assignments? I heard there are 7 of them. It would be fun chasing the.. OK OK I’m sorry but just help me out here will ya?”
“The other day, I went for my regular pedicure and my vet was chatting to me about how he has been taking care of this stray mother dog with her 6 pups. Santa, let me tell you a lil bit about stray animal welfare and the authorities in Malaysia. Drumroll…. There is no welfare! You remember the witch hunt? That’s just the small example of what and how things revolving stray animal issues dealt with in Malaysia. Strays in this country looks terrible with 80% of their bones showing. Any more bones, we’d be chasing each other!”
So anyway, doc is telling me about the mother dog and she just sounded familiar. I asked him her name and lo behold, it was Lola, my lady friend from the squatter. Last I heard, she was hot and being pursued by Ring0 (pronounced ring – o, a nick name he got when he lost all the hair on his rear due to a bad case of ring worms). Apparently she ended up on the street when her family relocated to an apartment and had to leave her behind to fend for herself. Now Lola is not angry at her streety situation, considering the predicaments some of the other dogs are in with no shelter, no food, no water, hit and runs and not forgetting how some people stone them stray dogs as though they were immortal witch dogs from the 18th century. While I on the other hand would love to bring back one or two of her puppies to come live with us, my human mistress and I live in a room, and it just won’t be fair for Lola’s puppies to be crammed up with us. So once the doc was finished with my paws, I hopped down to the kennels to see Lola. Man, she’s a beauty. Did I mention she’s of mixed parentage? She’s English and a terrier. That’s equivalent to a hot blonds for human males. But I’d really like to help Lola, blond or no blond. She told me Ring0 was taken away by the men in the van, and she was left all alone and pregnant. Then she had her babies on the street, someone felt pity and sent her to Doc. She and her pups have been there ever since.
“So Santa, after the chat I had with Lola, and seeing you on TV, I decided to write to you. If anyone can help Lola, it has to be you. Hey I mean it. Trust me; this has nothing to do with chasing venison. It’s only fair that Lola’s pups deserve a loving home. They would probably do best in a house with no pets. Homes with children are recommended, there’s just so much food on the floor and one has to do his or her share of “cleaning up”. So here’s what I hope you can do. It would be great if you can pass the word around. If Lola and her pups find loving homes, it would be the best Christmas gift I could ever get. I’d even give up my milk bone.”
Love
Valentino
P/s – Santa hasn’t replied. My human person told me our postal system can be slower than a snail moving cautiously on razor’s edge.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Hello humans
Friends and fellow mutts firstly let me introduce myself.
I’m Valentino… Valentino Lexington, and thou shall address me as Valentino. I’m basically what you humans call a mongrel, with a wag of Rottweiler here and a bark of Alaskan husky there and a howl of poodle somewhere.
I was born 8 years ago in a small town called Ijok, that’s 56 in human years for you. My 4 brothers and 1 were left all alone when our mother got run over by a truck. A good Samaritan took us in, fed us and rehomed us. The rest they say is history. Life is good I should say. A dog needs, apart from a good home and food, plenty of love and affection, and I receive bundles of it from my human buddy. I should mention here that she possesses huge amounts of patience and tolerance. All she does is glare when I insist on the open windows when we are going for my routine rides in her car and I love to pull this fast trick on her on rainy days!
By the way, did I mention I’m single? I’m polygamous too. I don’t pretend otherwise like some of you humans do. But I did read somewhere that my great ancestors, the wolves were more monogamous. But that was in a time before the birth of your species, the killer humans, and surely in a time where we simple animal folks could live in peace and practice cultured practices without fear that we may die at human hands before the next breeding season.
Now let me tell you how I came about to writing in this column. You see, life was taking a boring toll on me. Everyday it was the usual telly, watching the birds, surfing the internet, eating, catnapping (no puns intended) and my morning walks. Though I have my regular duty of keeping my human buddy company and be the oh so good listener. Not that I’m complaining but my heart longed for something more. So when opportunity knocked at the form of a canine columnist, I leaped at it. Hence once a month, I willingly surrender an afternoon to serve and please you humans all with some linguistic whining of mine.
Being a columnist of Rentakini is no easy feat. Her sister site Malaysiakini boasts hits of 33 million page views a month, which is a tad intimidating But hey, the work suits me fine, the environment soothing while I chill at home with some daiquiri waiting for my human buddy to return home from work. That’s the time I assume my playful role to make her laugh and giggle.
Mind you, I plan to fully use and abuse this column to say my piece on issues in this world. Like the dog hunt that was organized by a local council recently. I read about it and it got me rabid mad. My blood boiled and the ticks died immediately! Who ever came up with this insane idea must have crawled out from under a huge rock. Don’t you know we animals in particular, are good for you? A contest to hunt down dogs, my dirty paw!
For every fused bulb that tells you we dogs are bad, there are ten holy books that tell you otherwise. Ok I’m exaggerating about them holy books but think about it. There are numerous accounts of multiple health benefits from living with a canine. Cure your diseased mind with right thinking and the right attitude. Don’t blame the dog, or you’ll end up like that bad dancer who says the stage is uneven. So to those who stood by us defending our rights in the society alongside with Puss and Hammie, thank you! For those living in Selayang, if the local council don’t bend, get rid of it.
We don’t choose to be strays. It’s the doings of you half nut humans. You get so besotted with us when we are pups you are blinded by the fact that we grow! Left alone, we have great lives, thank you. It’s only when rabid (excuse the pun) humans run us over, or campaign to have us killed, or go out of their way to kick us that we feel threatened. And humans are supposed to be the protectors of the helpless? Hmmphh all that human education – WASTED !
I’m Valentino… Valentino Lexington, and thou shall address me as Valentino. I’m basically what you humans call a mongrel, with a wag of Rottweiler here and a bark of Alaskan husky there and a howl of poodle somewhere.
I was born 8 years ago in a small town called Ijok, that’s 56 in human years for you. My 4 brothers and 1 were left all alone when our mother got run over by a truck. A good Samaritan took us in, fed us and rehomed us. The rest they say is history. Life is good I should say. A dog needs, apart from a good home and food, plenty of love and affection, and I receive bundles of it from my human buddy. I should mention here that she possesses huge amounts of patience and tolerance. All she does is glare when I insist on the open windows when we are going for my routine rides in her car and I love to pull this fast trick on her on rainy days!
By the way, did I mention I’m single? I’m polygamous too. I don’t pretend otherwise like some of you humans do. But I did read somewhere that my great ancestors, the wolves were more monogamous. But that was in a time before the birth of your species, the killer humans, and surely in a time where we simple animal folks could live in peace and practice cultured practices without fear that we may die at human hands before the next breeding season.
Now let me tell you how I came about to writing in this column. You see, life was taking a boring toll on me. Everyday it was the usual telly, watching the birds, surfing the internet, eating, catnapping (no puns intended) and my morning walks. Though I have my regular duty of keeping my human buddy company and be the oh so good listener. Not that I’m complaining but my heart longed for something more. So when opportunity knocked at the form of a canine columnist, I leaped at it. Hence once a month, I willingly surrender an afternoon to serve and please you humans all with some linguistic whining of mine.
Being a columnist of Rentakini is no easy feat. Her sister site Malaysiakini boasts hits of 33 million page views a month, which is a tad intimidating But hey, the work suits me fine, the environment soothing while I chill at home with some daiquiri waiting for my human buddy to return home from work. That’s the time I assume my playful role to make her laugh and giggle.
Mind you, I plan to fully use and abuse this column to say my piece on issues in this world. Like the dog hunt that was organized by a local council recently. I read about it and it got me rabid mad. My blood boiled and the ticks died immediately! Who ever came up with this insane idea must have crawled out from under a huge rock. Don’t you know we animals in particular, are good for you? A contest to hunt down dogs, my dirty paw!
For every fused bulb that tells you we dogs are bad, there are ten holy books that tell you otherwise. Ok I’m exaggerating about them holy books but think about it. There are numerous accounts of multiple health benefits from living with a canine. Cure your diseased mind with right thinking and the right attitude. Don’t blame the dog, or you’ll end up like that bad dancer who says the stage is uneven. So to those who stood by us defending our rights in the society alongside with Puss and Hammie, thank you! For those living in Selayang, if the local council don’t bend, get rid of it.
We don’t choose to be strays. It’s the doings of you half nut humans. You get so besotted with us when we are pups you are blinded by the fact that we grow! Left alone, we have great lives, thank you. It’s only when rabid (excuse the pun) humans run us over, or campaign to have us killed, or go out of their way to kick us that we feel threatened. And humans are supposed to be the protectors of the helpless? Hmmphh all that human education – WASTED !
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